Academia, Motherhood, and Imposter Syndrome

There aren't enough hours in the day is a phrase often touted by mothers of young children— and as a mother to a rowdy five year old boy, it's one I'm guilty of adopting as my mantra. Adding a PhD to the mix only complicates the rising sensation of mom guilt. 

Caption: Working on my Master of Arts homework with my then-two year old at an indoor play-space.

As a mom in fighting for a space in academia, and a woman in her mid-twenties, imposter syndrome shows up on multiple fronts. Existing on the generational cusp of Millenial-Gen Z means that I grew up with the Instagram aesthetic. The pressures of wellness culture and an idealistic version of motherhood—-consisting of organic balanced meals, limited screen time, and a Montessori style playroom leave lasting feelings of not measuring up. Even through my best efforts to clean up my Instagram account and follow only positive psychology-related profiles, imposter syndrome and its lovely sidekick, perfectionism, continue to challenge my ability to stay grounded in the present moment. 

My dilemma is multifaceted. I want to be healthy and well-rounded, the momma who takes her kiddo to the park and plans memorable activities, like Fridays at the local children's museum. I also want to work out, build muscle, do pilates and barre to remedy my unstable sacroiliac joint, and ace through my doctoral program with publications and a clean house. Sound too good to be true? It probably is. 

Add the pursuit of a doctorate into the already chaotic and conflicting identities of being a working mom, and this means that I'm constantly negotiating priorities. Since my days are filled with caregiving, this sometimes means inventing more creative methods of getting my scholarly work done, like responding to email or grading assignments on the Canvas Teacher app during carline pickups. 

In the early days of motherhood, a gentle, attachment-based parenting style saved me: baby-wearing was my #1 strategy for finishing my undergraduate degree in literature. During my M.A. in English, an extremely flexible schedule with an online degree program and shift-trading with my husband was the way of the game. Now, my strategy involves Minecraft, My Singing Monsters, and playdates with my twelve year-old cousin who keeps my five-year-old entertained for hours. In addition to enrolling my son in afterschool care, I now keep a detailed spreadsheet schedule that keeps me on track while juggling so many responsibilities.

My experiences of academic motherhood, imposter syndrome, and struggling to get it all done are not at all uncommon among parenting scholars. Academic writing coach Cathy Mazak, creator of Scholars’ Voice and author of Making Time to Write: How to Resist the Patriarchy and Take Control of Your Academic Career Through Writing, claims that the academic career path is tailored to white, childless men, and specifically geared to prevent women and nonbinary people from writing. As I work through the complications of my journey to an academic career, Mazak’s podcast has been a landmine of important mindset strategies to move forward with my goals, including making a consistent, weekly writing practice one of my top priorities as a graduate student.

Academia may not be made for people like me: parents, caregivers, people who want to have time for themselves somewhere in their day. Yet my goal as a PhD student is to subtly resist this narrative, to be successful in my studies and career and take care of myself and my son. Since the day I set out to complete a Master’s program, I was determined to do things differently.

It’s true, there aren’t enough hours in the day. So I pick and choose. 

Sometimes, I go to the park with my son and leave my writing untouched. At other times, I work the entire day, reminding myself that reading and writing in front of my son embodies everything that I want for him: hard work, determination, resilience, and a love of learning. It means not letting the Imposter Syndrome have the last word. The Instagram aesthetic of parenting is not my reality— my reality is weeks of laundry that I never catch up on, a house and wardrobe full of thrifted things, and unbalanced days.

Finishing the paper that’s due, working on a revise and resubmit, or spending quality time with my family is more than enough--- even if that means I go a more than a few days without cooking a balanced meal or remembering to walk on my walking pad.