Empaths: Are We Real or Not?

 

Available via the Creative Commons

I was that girl that came home from school sobbing most days. My parents’ consistent response to the day’s devastating event: “You need to get a thicker skin.” In fairness, it was the 80s, and there wasn’t much that parents with children like me could do, but their words always felt hollow. What did they mean, and how could one acquire that “thicker skin”? In addition to this, what was devastating to me on any given day would have been brushed off by someone else. How could any parent comfort a child that feels things so very deeply on such a regular basis?

As I got older, I learned that there was an actual name for what I was experiencing and for people like me: we are empaths.  Not surprisingly, I learned that my mom was one, too. I would learn later that the trait of being an empath is something that frequently runs in families. It seems like these days though, when you bring up the word “empath,” the responses you get can be quite varied. I always believed that being an empath was a gift, somewhat like a special superpower that I had, so I was surprised to be met with the hostility from certain audiences. These days, I am frequently met with, “An empath isn’t a thing. We all have empathy. Your experience of empathy is just amplified due to a dysfunctional family dynamic in your childhood.” My immediate response is always to think that another’s lack of experience with this phenomena doesn’t invalidate mine.

Whether these traits are a byproduct of nature or nurture, one can argue that the phenomenon exists. The internet is filled with websites proferring articles giving readers ways to identify whether they are an empath or not. While in most cases I would agree with detractors who argue that you “can’t believe everying you read on the internet,” not all of these articles are without merit. One article that you shouldn’t be too quick to dismiss appears on highlysensitiverefuge.com: “13 Signs That You Are An Empath” by Andre Sólo. While I don’t experience all of the phenomena listed in the article, I do experience the majority of them. Some of the traits that I experience are:

• Taking on others’ emotions as your own (#1 trait experienced by all empaths)

• Sudden overwhelming emotions in crowds emoted by someone other than yourself

• The vibe in a room matters and can be very overwhelming at times for reasons we are unable to pinpoint

• The ability to intuitively understand what a person is trying to express or even intuit what someone might not able to articulate for themselves

• People often turn to us for advice (at the most random times and in the most unusual places)

• We love effusively (especially pets & children)

• Intimate relationships can be overwhelming at times

• We have a calming effect on others

• We can’t see someone in pain or distress without wanting to help in some way. For an empath, it literally pains us to see someone else in pain

Probably the most frequent and impactful empathic experience that affects my daily life is when random strangers come to me for advice or because they need an ear to listen to their problems. It happens to me anywhere and everywhere: in the checkout line at the grocery store, wandering around Barnes and Noble, waiting in line at the gas station, working in any customer service position, and at any and all public events. Either fortunately or unfortunately, what people choose to divulge to me is never the mundane problems in their lives, but they usually talk about things that weigh on them that they just need to tell someone. Two of the heaviest and most memorable things that I have been told by complete strangers: a man’s platoon murdered their West Point educated commanding officer in the jungles of Vietnam because the officer’s book learning didn’t apply to the real world war that the United States was actually fighting and another man (also a Vietnam veteran)  told me that he had to blast several TVs every night to drone out the voices in his head telling him to murder someone/anyone. Then, there are things like they believe their husband/wife is cheating on them, a parent or close friend is dying and they are heartbroken, or they are struggling with fertility issues and suffered one or more miscarriages or stillborn babies. While I am blessed to give people some of the peace they’re searching for, these interactions leave lasting marks on me. As Andre Sólo lists, I tend to take on other’s emotions as my own and it literally pains me to see someone else in pain and not be able to help them in some way.

For me, it really makes no difference whether you believe empaths exist or when/how they earned their gift because I know what it’s like to live life as one. Some days, it’s a wonderful thing to be able to help a fellow human out in the smallest of ways. Other days, it’s a curse that I wish I could turn off and on. If you are struggling to learn to live life as an empath, don’t despair. It takes some time and practice, but you can live a fulfilling life. The key to this success is setting personal boundaries so that you don’t take on everyone else’s burdens. Ultimately, I never found that “thicker skin” that my parents always told me to get, but I do celebrate those moments when I can overcome and succeed as a true empath whether you believe I exist or not.